I hope my margaritas pass through security.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
