Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
