Got a toothbrush?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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