I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
