sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
