1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
