don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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