i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
