even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
