Your face is a jimmy john
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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