billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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