Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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