WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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