So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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