I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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