It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Found the puke drawer
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
