God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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