we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
