im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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