i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well I just put wine in my tea
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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