Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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