pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
