I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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