epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
When are your genitals available?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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