I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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