oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
