whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
