Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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