I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
