On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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