i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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