Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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