I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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