If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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