i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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