I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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