just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
