wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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