I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
