I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Blood and glitter go together right?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
