Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
