Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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