I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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