He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
