If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
