would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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