i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We had to coat check the pizza.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
