Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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