If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
