Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
